it’s not over

For as long as I can remember I have let the opinions of my peers control me. But I said I was owning this blog… so why stop now?

I guess I’m still scared of being judged and criticised for this website, but high school only lasts for so long and I decided that this blog is worth more than the trouble it caused.

Having said that, I’m making changes to the content that I put up. If this blog is truly open to the eyes of the people around me then it needs to be something that I am proud of, something that I wouldn’t mind people I know seeing.

So, I think I just realised I don’t give a shit, and that the thing I was most afraid of was people from my school knowing too much about me. But I can still control, as I still control what content is posted here.

I guess I just really can’t seem to bring myself to leave this place that I named “The Iridescent World of Indy” behind. It was so long ago that I created it for something to do in my free time, but it has become so much more than that, it has become a part of me. And how can I leave a part of me in the past when its who I am right now?

talk later,

Indy xx

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Everyone knows. Or they will soon.

I’m not mad or upset or infuriated. Just overwhelmed and scared.

People from my school have found this blog. Have found everything. I treated this website like my little journal; where I could talk about whatever I wanted whenever. It was safe. I posted about a number of personal things that I wouldn’t want anyone I know in person to read.

I shouldn’t be surprised that this has been found. It’s happened to others, so why wouldn’t it happen to me.

But I can’t keep using this website knowing that people – everyone – from my school has access to my thoughts.

The one thing I really want to know is how did this happen? Did that one person I told so long ago (who told her friends) spread it around? Is that how it happened? Or was it an accident of someone from my school stumbling across it? And how did they know it was me?

Either way this website is spreading. But I never intended for my private thoughts to be read by all the people I know in my everyday life.

I had this fantasy that because I’m a nobody at my school that even if people found this, no one would care. No one would care about this because no one cares about what I do. And thats how I like it.

This blog was my favourite thing. It was good for me. I loved it. And it feels like such a waste when you think about how 172 posts, 168 followers, and six months are now gone. But its not gone. Its open to my eyes only. The way it should have been from the beginning.

Maybe this blog caused more trouble than it was worth, but it doesn’t matter because I’ve learnt a lot from it. I learnt a lot of things that I wouldn’t have otherwise, and I’m grateful for that.

So, yeah, this is goodbye. I’m taking my thoughts off the internet. And you can spread this one post around the school or whatever, this blog will always be out there, in a way. You can even ask me about it, I won’t deny the existence of this blog. Because its right here. And I’m owning it.

I don’t know if its my fault that people found out, or if its her fault, or if it was just an accident. I just hope I found out before too much of me was read about.

EDIT: I’m not deleting this blog, but I was really close to it.

talk later,

Indy xx

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my favourite youtube videos

I realised that I find myself occasionally coming back to the same youtube videos whenever I need something inspirational or something to just.. make me happy?

Anyway, I thought that maybe I should share these videos with you guys so that other people could appreciate them too.

  • 20 Things I’ve Learned In 20 Years – jennxpenn

I love this video because the music is so calming, especially combined with the footage of driving around a city. And the messages. These are so many things to learn from this video! “The most beautiful things in life are thoughts and feelings”. “Not everyone thinks the same way you think,” and “silence says a lot”, have so much depth and meaning. Trying to imagine what she must have been through to learn these things makes me so sad, but so happy at the same time, because she has learnt these things.

  • The Perks of Being A Wallflower Offical Trailer – Movieclip Trailers

This trailer always makes me feel so happy, and like.. I’m alive! Whenever I feel like watching a classic teen movie, but don’t have time, I watch this trailer. The trailer is amazing, and (obviously) the movie is even better.

  • My Evil Piano Teacher – Daniel Howell (RIP danisnotonfire)

Honestly, any of Dan’s videos make me literally laugh out loud.. and make my parents think I’m insane. But his sarcasm, and the way he makes fun of himself is so funny, and even just the way he talks just makes me smile so much. And this video is no exception! He is so funny, especially when he dresses up as other people to explain his experiences; it’s just hilarious.

  • You Are Not Alone – Rclbeauty101

This video is just so inspirational for when you’re feeling down, and like nothing will ever get better. It helps me to remind myself that the hard chapters in my life are just that, chapters; and that I will move on and get through it all, so I just need to hold on, because there is a bright happy world out there and I can’t stop myself from experiencing those things because I think I can’t handle the bad things, or the bullying, or the self loathing, or the hatred. You can get through whatever it is you are going through, you are not alone, and you will get to the other side to see the wonderful things in life.

  • Note To Self Trailer – ConnorFranta

I loved this trailer so much it literally mad me go out and buy the book the exact same day. I felt so inspired, and Connor’s videos always make me feel like there is meaning to life. And the poetry in this video is amazing, along with the cinematography …my god. One of the best videos on the internet. I feel like its so relatable, especially will social media today. The way he talks… I just had to buy the book!

  • When you’re lost – Jordan Clark

This video makes me so happy. It tells you that you can live life to the fullest by just being who you are and doing things that make you happy, and not worrying about what other people think of you. This video reminds me to stop every once in a while and look around and just… enjoy the present.

  • Dan’s Diss Track: Roast Yourself Challenge – Daniel Howell (again)

The Roast Yourself Challenge is my favourite challenge ever. It is so funny to watch people rip on themselves, and make a joke of the things they’re bad at. This one is my favourite, because not only is it hilarious, but it’s Dan! And he is hilarious! And the ending!

  • What The Homeless Man Said To Me… – ConnorFranta

This video is about a how a homeless man thanks a women for treating him with respect, and like a person. Its like a little reminder that you need to remember to treat everyone the way you want to be treated.

  • Pictures – Will Darbyshire

Will Darbyshire posts the most amazing videos on youtube. I could honestly probably just recommend all of his videos because they’re all that great. But one of my favourite is pictures because I know everyone can relate to what he’s saying about how important pictures are to take you back to a time and place in your life.

  • Introverts

Will’s videos always make me feel so nostalgic and I just had to include a second favourite of Will’s videos, because this particular video clears up misconceptions about introverts, and he kind of just talks about himself and his experience as an introvert, and how being an introvert isn’t bad, its just… normal.

So, coincidentally, this ended up with 10 videos, which works out great, although I was kind of just making this with the idea that I’m not going to try and make it to a number because I didn’t want to limit myself or make myself say I love videos more than I do just so I can fill the number of videos on my list.

If you end up watching all, or any(?), or these videos, please tell me what your favourite one was.

talk later,

Indy xx

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