the temptation to quit

Everyday, my mind goes through an endless cycle. It starts with me considering quitting this blog because its too much knowing that people from my school know about and have access to it. Then I start thinking about how I have to be stronger, and how if this brings me joy, I should keep going? And my mind flips between the two polar opposites constantly. Until just now.

But before I explain, I want to give a brief history and explanation to how this blog even came to be.

It started one afternoon, someday after Christmas and before New Years. I was extremely bored, and started thinking and became curious to see if there were any teen bloggers. And that is when I stumbled across Hideaway Girl’s blog. I read many of her posts before I decided to start my own site.

I originally made it with a wix site, but quickly discovered that it was very hard for people to find. And so I went back to Hideaway Girl’s blog, where I saw at the bottom that it was made through WordPress. Which led me to this site. And here I am.

After a while I told a few people about it. Some from my old school, and some from my current school.

When I first started, I posted a lot. Basically on a daily basis, about everything and anything. Recently, I haven’t been posting so much. I guess I’ve just made other priorities.

With the knowledge of people I know reading this, comes a whole new pressure. But I’ve discovered that people are going to make judgment on you no matter what you do. Whether I have this online presence or not.

Anyway, now for the part where I decided to not give a shit.

There is this website thing that is flying around the school. It’s essentially where you make an account and get the link, put it on your snapchat story and people can make anonymous comments on it. And you can see what they say.

I signed up for this, and originally all the comments were all nice and sweet. It disappeared from my story after the 24-hour mark, and the next day I decided to do it again, except this time I asked people to be honest.

And thats exactly what I got.

Again, most of the comments were quite sweet, and then there was one comment that stood out from the rest. Someone had said “walk properly”. And this hit somewhere deep inside me because I am well aware that I have a limp, and I have done everything I can for the last twelve years to make it as unnoticeable as possible.

As you can see I was hurt by this comment, and I messaged my friend, Danika, and told her about how it had upset me. She responded by saying that my walk is fine and that I should post it on my story and ask for them to respond so that I can explain. And thats what I planned on doing. But before I got to that I told her about how this one girl had screenshot my story twice now. And Danika told me that when people screenshot their comment, it still tells me they screenshot my story. Which led me to think that this person might have left the comment.

I ended up putting the post on my story where I ask for whoever sent the message to respond and didn’t get one. At least not from them. What I did get was quite a few messages from friends telling me that whoever said that was an asshole.

But what I learnt from this is the important thing here. I realised that that comment no longer mattered to me. And who said that was no longer important. Because what I realised is that people are going to have negative opinions of you no matter what. Whether I have this blog, or have no social media, people are still going to talk shit about you. And that comment started to sting a lot less as I realised all this. And I know that whoever said such comment knew nothing. And if they didn’t actually want to know WHY I have a limp, then they were just saying it to piss me off. And maybe, by posting this, I’m giving them the satisfaction of knowing it got to me, but I don’t see this post as being about that. I see this post as being about ME realising that comments like that don’t mean anything because they aren’t worth my time. Which sounds really cliché, but I feel like people really do need to remember that more.

Anyway, that is the really long explanation as to why I will be keeping this blog, and hopefully for a very long time. Because I have now learnt to look past the negative comments and opinions. And no one (unless you have a blog yourself) can know what it is like to be a part of this huge community. It’s like nothing I’ve ever known before. And thanks to everyone that has left me nice comments, whether that be here, on my Instagram, or even on that anonymous comment site.

talk later,

Indy xx

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baby driver

Talented getaway driver Baby (Ansel Elgort) relies on the beat of his personal soundtrack to be the best in the game. After meeting the woman (Lily James) of his dreams, he sees a chance to ditch his shady lifestyle and make a clean break. Coerced into working for a crime boss (Kevin Spacey), Baby must face the music as a doomed heist threatens his life, love and freedom.

I just got back from watching Baby Driver at the cinemas – after having to drag my family there – and I loved it! It is now one of my new favourite movies! It’s like an action movie, but with the vibes of a musical. Except there aren’t any stupid and random musical numbers that make you question the sanity of the producers.

It seems like a movie thats been done a million times over, and maybe it kind of is, but I feel like the soundtrack that is intertwined into the story makes up for that. Baby Driver has quickly jumped to my top 10 favourite movies, and with Ansel Elgort and Lily James starring in it, it can’t be anything but a great movie.

Baby and Debora meet in the diner where Debora works and they bond over their love for music and driving. They become closer as Baby searches for a way out of his job; things suddenly collide and he’s stuck. But when he’s behind the wheel… he’s never REALLY stuck.

I recommend this movie to anyone that loves music and action, especially when they are combined. I really wish I could go back and experience is all again, and I hope you make the decision to watch it at least once.

baby driver quote

talk later,

Indy xx

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geekerella by ashley poston – book review

Anything can happen once upon a con . . .

When geek girl Elle Wittimer sees a cosplay sponsored by the producers of Starfield, she has to enter. First prize is an invitation to the ExcelsiCon Cosplay Ball and a meet-and-greet with the actor slated to play Federation Prince Carmindor in the reboot. Elle’s been scraping together tips from her gig at the Magic Pumpkin food truck behind her step-mother’s back, and winning this contest could be her ticket out once and for all – not to mention a fangirl’s dream come true.

Teen actor Darien Freeman is less than thrilled about this year’s ExcelsiCon. He used to live for conventions, but now they’re nothing but jaw-aching photo sessions and awkward meet-and-greets. Playing Federation Prince Carmindor is all he’s ever wanted, but the diehard Starfield fandom has already dismissed him as just another heartthrob. As ExcelsiCon draws near, closet nerd Darien feels more and more like a fake – until he meets a girl who shows him otherwise.

Part romance, part love letter to nerd culture, and all totally adorbes, GEEKERELLA is a fairy tale for anyone who believes in the magic of fandom.

I mean, if anyone reads this book, it should be the bloggers on WordPress that love to read! Because Elle has her very known blog, where she fangirls and critiques every piece of news that comes out about Starfield. And did I mention that Elle has her own blog!

This book is told from two perspectives. Darien’s and Elle’s. And it usually switches between the two with every chapter. The storyline is pretty clear, as it follows the general storyline of Cinderella, and you definitely get those vibes from the book. But it also has the magic of Starfield and fandom woven into it!

I totally get why this book is being called “a love letter to nerd culture” even though I wouldn’t really say I’m super into the whole “nerd culture” myself. …it kind of just wasn’t how I was raised. (My parents don’t really like space movies, or super fantasy stuff, which means I honestly didn’t really know what Harry Potter or Star Wars were until I was twelve. I’d only really heard about them from other classmates, but assumed they couldn’t be that big, since I knew nothing about them.) But back to Geekerella! This book honestly just made me want to be a huge part of the Harry Potter fandom – mainly because thats the only “nerdy” series that I’ve seen. But still! I just craved this community where people come together and share their love for something that they all have in common!

Anyway, Geekerella was really fantastic. I almost read the entire book in two days. (And that is quite quick for me.) I loved the characters so much, and I really enjoyed the modern day spin on the old tale. Especially with the step-sisters. I truly do recommend this book, especially if you are in a bit of a reading slump, like I kind of was.

geekerella quote

talk later,

Indy xx

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picnics, drive-ins, and waffles

Honestly, I wrote half this post and realised that I just wasn’t passionate about writing it. But I still want to put something up about this day, so instead I’m going to do something different. I’m going to upload pictures and caption them with what is going on. Please let me know if you enjoy this formate more than my usual.

Saturday

Mia, Jade and I found this trail along the cliffs near the beach!

We had gelato at The Hood!

Sunday

We went to see some movies at the drive-in!

The place we went to see the movies at is Heddon Greta Drive-In

Hannah and Mia ready to watch movies!

Monday

We went to The Hood again and had waffles for breakfast!

We climbed some rocks and had a picnic with a view of the water!

Another amazing view of the water!

This photo was taken just before I slipped.

Josie and Hannah eating some more gelato!

Tuesday

On Tuesday I decided to clean out my top draw in my wardrobe!

I had a fantastic time over the course of these few days and I can’t wait for more times like this to come. Please let me know if you prefer these types of posts as opposed to my older ‘what I’m up to’ posts.

talk later,

Indy xx

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perversion of our youth

I was twelve

When a man

In a trade van

Cat-called me

On the street

Words long forgotten

Yet a memory stained

Forever on my brain

 

I was thirteen

When a man

In a P-plated car

Stopped next to me

And pulled out his genitals

Scarring my innocent mind

 

I was fourteen

When my figure

Started turning heads

When I walked down the street

Attracting unwanted attention from strangers

 

I was fourteen again

When a group of young adult men

Nineteen or so in age

Asked me to join them

On a wak in the dark

Even after I said

I’m only fourteen

 

We think that perversion

Is a trait of old men

But why then

In my experience

Has it always been those that are youthful

That have looked at me in ways that are sinful?

 

In ways that make you want to shiver in fear

To hide

When their gaze sweeps over you

As you can feel their mind undressing you

As they watch your movements

In their twisted perception

Of girls far younger than I should mention

 

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note to self by connor franta – book review

This is an open diary. This gives my insides a voice through visuals and poetry; this is me spilled out on paper.

If you don’t already know, Connor Franta is a youtuber. And I honestly used to watch him a lot, then I kind of stopped, and then I came across the trailer for his new book. And it was truly amazing and inspired me to go out and buy the book for myself. So thats what I did, and the book was no let down.

I loved every bit of the book. It’s kind of hard to describe the “plot” of this book, because it basically is just Connor writing down thoughts and feeling and taking photos and recording moments over the course of one year. And I loved it!

It doesn’t seem like something that would be found all that interesting, but I honesty couldn’t stop reading. And I think that was partly because it was such an easy read. I sped through it so fast, and I think it would be excellent for someone who wants to dig themselves out of a reading slump!

Another great thing about this book is that it inspired me so much. As you guys might have noticed, a lot of my personal posts are, well, deleted. A LOT of my posts are gone. And thats because I guess I just went through and started deleting a lot of them after I found out about people from my school knowing about this blog. Because some things were not meant to be read by my peers.. because.. thats just embarrassing! Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that now that I don’t post about personal issues, I’ve started writing them down, in a sort of poetry format, usually when I’m emotional. And it helps me clear my head and lets my emotions return to normal; stable. At first, I didn’t even mean to. But I’ve started creating a little book of my own poems. And I’ve even converted some of my old posts into poems, and it was so easy, because they were already half a poem. Just written in short, choppy sentences, instead of in verse.

Anyway, what I’m basically trying to say is that this is an excellent book, and is by far the best book that I have read by a youtuber. Having said that, I still have to read “This Modern Love” by Will Darbyshire and “Almost Adulting” by Arden Rose. But I will soon!

note to self quote

talk later,

Indy xx

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the hate u give by angie thomas – book review

What was the point of having a voice if you’re gonna be silent in those moments you shouldn’t be?

Sixteen-year-old Starr lives in two worlds: the poor neighbourhood where she was born and raised and her posh high school in the suburbs. The uneasy balance between them is shattered when Starr is the only witness to the fatal shooting of her unarmed best friend, Khalil, by a police officer. Now what Starr says could destroy her community. It could also get her killed.

The Hate U Give is so brilliantly written, and I absolutely love how the title has been written so that it can be shortened to “Thug”. This book is about racism, and how it affects Starr and the people around her, but it also shows how even the little things impact her life and her self worth, and displays that even one of her best friends can be ignorant to the fact that racism is still very much alive in society today. People like to think that its in the past, but the only thing about it that is in the past, is the way that it is shown. Racism is still here, but its different now, especially because it is highly looked down upon. Racists will try to hide it, or more exactly, disguise it to appear like something else.

The book starts with Starr leaving a party that she went to in the suburb she lives in. She leaves with Khalil after a fight breaks out, and they are driving home when they are pulled over by a police officer. The police officer asks for ID then pulls Khalil out of the car. He does a body search of Khalil and tells him to put his hands up, then goes back to get something from his own vehicle. Khalil leans in to ask if Starr is okay, and then is shot. And Starr watches (for the second time) as blood pours out of one of her best friends. This fuels Starr to speak up and tell people what happened. And when they don’t listen to her, she makes her voice louder, to be heard. For Khalil. The police try to claim that he was a drug dealer and the officer swears that he thought that Khalil’s black HAIRBRUSH was a gun and that he was reaching for it.

Throughout the novel you are shown just how the news and the police make it seem like Khalil deserved to die. Deserved? Because apparently if you sell drugs to feed your family you deserve to die!? … okay. I’m getting a bit emotional about this. But its because when you read this, you are put into the shoes of these characters, and for just a moment, you can feel a fraction of what it must be like to be in their situation. And that fraction was enough for me.

This topic is something that I felt really strongly about while reading this book, and I would have never known how racism is still so prevalent today if I hadn’t seen it through Starr’s eyes. Also, please, I don’t want any comments about how “all lives matter” because the whole campaign for “black lives matter” is to make it so that they have the same rights as white people. I once read online somewhere, “dear white people: no one is saying that your life can’t be hard if you’re white but it’s not hard because you’re white,” and I think that really explains why the “black lives matter” campaign is called that and not “all lives matter”. Because black lives are disadvantaged simply for being black.

And I know that I have no where near the perspective or the experience of someone that has undergone racism because of my skin, but this topic needs to be spoken about. From both black and white people alike. I’m not trying to say that I know what it’s like for black people, but I WILL stand by them when it comes to their rights.

thug quote

talk later,

Indy xx

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bone gap by laura ruby – book review

He’d been drawn here by the grass and bees and the strange sensation that this was a magical place, that the bones of the world were looser here, double-jointed, twisted back on themselves, leaving spaces one could slip into and hide…

When a beautiful young woman goes missing, the people of Bone Gap are happy to assume she’s run away. Only Finn knows the truth about what happened to her – and only Petey Willis, the beekeeper’s fiery daughter, seems prepared to believe him.

Although the description of this book makes it sound like something that you’ve read before, believe me when I say that it is not. From the moment I started this book I knew from the writing that this story was going to be different, and it was.

This book follows multiple characters as you see the part that they play in this story that is so brilliantly told. After Roza has been missing for a couple of weeks, and everyone assumes that she decided to leave, Finn is still looking. Finn knows that she didn’t just up and leave. He was there. But as he struggles to uncover the events that unfolded before him, he becomes closer to Petey, until Petey figures out why Finn can’t seem to put into words what he saw.

I absolutely loved reading this novel! Ruby draws you into this whimsical world that is Bone Gap, and she doesn’t let you go until the secrets have been set free, and even then, you don’t want to leave. By writing from the perspectives of many characters, you see how different events appeared for the different characters, and how perspective really does play a huge factor in life. Ruby weaves magical realism in such a way that you start to doubt what is real and what is myth.

Bone Gap is a masterful and seductive tale of love, magic, regret, and forgiveness. The type of book that every time you read, you will learn something new from it. I was addicted from the first page, when it was clear that this novel was like nothing I’d ever read before it.

bone gap quote

talk later,

Indy xx

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winter holiday goals

It’s winter holidays, and it has been since… well, the weekend. Now, I could lay around and watch netflix all day and night, but honestly… thats not really who I am. I need things to do, I need goals, and I need motivation.

I can’t just sit around and watch tv because if I do I get an overwhelming fear of doing nothing, and wasting my time, and it really is not a pleasant thing. And I have a lot of things that I would like to get done these holidays, (aside from hanging out with friends).

So, this is my list of things that I would like to have achieved by the end of these (very short) two week holidays:

  1. Complete a barista course (already signed up)
  2. Get a job (preferably at a cafe or bookstore, but I’ll honestly take what I can get)
  3. Run as much as possible (I love running, but haven’t been doing much lately)
  4. Blog regularly
  5. Extend my classics and poetry collection
  6. Finish my artwork for school
  7. Read all the books on my ever-growing TBR pile (which is just sitting on my desk)
  8. Create a quote book that contains my favourite quotes from all my favourite books
  9. Write up a ton of book reviews
  10. Celebrate my birthday! (It’s the 18th July, technically the first day back at school)

So I guess thats it. My list of goals to achieve these holidays! I hope to achieve most, if not all, of these listed!

Also. Thank you to everyone who has put up with me so far on this blog. Having almost quite twice, and always having mental crisis’ where I wonder what the point of blogging even is, and if I’ll even achieve anything from this blog, and thinking that if I’m going to quite eventually, why not sooner of later. But I find that even if I wanted to, I’m not going anywhere because I’m honestly just to addicted to this blog for my own good.

Another thing before I go! (I got my hair trimmed! Yay!) After my birthday I’m thinking of making a post about what I got, but would anyone even want to read that!? Let me know!

talk later,

Indy xx

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beautiful broken things by sara barnard

I was brave

She was reckless

We were trouble

Best friends Caddy and Rosie are inseparable. Their differences have brought them closer, but as she turns sixteen Caddy begins to wish she could be a bit more like Rosie – confident, funny and interesting. Then Suzanne come into their lives: beautiful, damaged, exciting, and mysterious. As Suzanne’s past is revealed and her present begins to unravel, Caddy begins to see how much fun a little trouble can be. But the course of both friendship and recovery is rougher than either girl realises, and Caddy is about to learn that downward spirals have a momentum of their own.

Beautiful Broken Things is set in Brighton, England. A nice change from all the books that are set in America. It’s really interesting to see a friendship that exists outside of school, especially since one of my very own best friends doesn’t go to my school. Anyway, the book is essentially about domestic abuse, but the author takes a different perspective on the topic. Instead of writing about the escape and how the character leaves the situation, she instead writes about the story after. She also writes it from a different character’s perspective, instead of writing from the abused character’s view.

The book is told from Caddy’s perspective, and starts with Suzanne becoming friends with Rosie, and Caddy not liking Suzanne. Caddy thinks that Suzanne is hiding something, and she soon finds out exactly what she’s keeping from them. Except, this uncovering only brings Caddy and Suzanne closer together, and the balances between the friendship of Caddy, Rosie, and Suzanne start to shift. But Suzanne is an unpredictable and broken character, and as Caddy tries to help her, she begins to be dragged into Suzanne’s twisted world. But as Caddy decides she wants to be more like Suzanne, she continues to make more and more Suzanne-influenced decisions.

I really liked the unique take on the journey of domestic violence and escaping it. I also think that this book is really important with its display of female friendship, and how people influence each other, in good and bad ways. Another really good thing about this book is how it deals with suicide and escaping the loop of self destruction that comes after leaving a violent home.

I would highly recommend this book, as it has some very important lessons and messages about friendship and relationships. It explores Suzanne’s story, but it does so through Caddy. It also shows Caddy maturing as the story goes on, and as she comes to understand Suzanne and what she has been through. I loved this book, and think that it is a very important book in today’s society.

bbt quote

talk later,

Indy xx

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